Our Associate therapist Stuart Avery writes about the importance of self-compassion and why looking after ourselves has never been more important.

If I had to distill everything I’ve learnt over my entire career as a therapist down to one core message that seems to come up repeatedly, and cut across most problems of emotional distress and dysregulation, it would be this: almost all of us could benefit from being kinder to ourselves.

Most of us are pretty good at being kind to other people, especially those who are important to us. But we really struggle to apply the same practice to ourselves. When I hear a client berating themselves in therapy, I often ask them to picture their partner or best friend has come to them for help with the same problem. Then, I ask them to repeat out loud the same narrative they’re telling themselves. They’re horrified to hear themselves attacking someone they care deeply about…:

“You’re such a waste of space, no wonder you always screw everything up!”
“Well of course you always get it wrong!”
“You’re really just an awful, horrible person!”

Yikes! Most of us wouldn’t dream of being this cruel to someone else – in fact, we understand instinctively that continually pointing out all their failings is likely to be harmful to their self-esteem and reaching their potential. Yet we unconsciously broadcast these sorts of messages to ourselves 24/7. Why is it so hard to give ourselves a little compassion?

Getting to know the inner critic
Many of us carry a tough “inner critic” around in our heads, like a judgmental sports commentator who never runs out of examples of why we’re just not good enough. In therapy, I encourage my clients to explore the function of such a voice rather than judge it, (and in doing so, add yet another thing to the list of what they’re not getting right!). I sometimes use a great technique called Internal Family Systems to ask my clients to visualize it as a “part” that lives within them – they might be able to visualize an uppity bureaucrat with a clip board or a strict sports coach. Maybe the “part” is in fact their father, or an old school teacher.

If we invite it to join us at the table, and ask it in a non-confrontational way what it’s deal is, we might get an interesting answer. Often, it actually has a benevolent function. It’s trying to make us the best version of ourselves. It has stepped in following a traumatic event where we felt shamed or humiliated. It wants our family to be proud of us. It usually turns out to be what we might call a “protector” part – it’s trying to prevent us from further pain.

Genuine personal values Vs introjects
So, the protector part has good intentions, but it’s often trying to protect us by running a “cruel to be kind” script. It’s also usually rather loud and assertive, so its approach to avoiding pain is damaging to other, quieter parts of us that need to thrive, be creative or vulnerable. What’s more, if we examine the scripts and beliefs that are running the protector part, we often discover they don’t even belong to us!... remember the father and the school teacher?:

“Don’t cry!”
“Man up!”
“Work yourself into the ground!”
“Talking about feelings is weak!”
“Don’t get too above your station!”

These are what we might call “introjects” – values and beliefs that we inherited from significant figures from our childhood. How liberating it can be to realise they’re not actually ours, and give ourselves permission not to live by them!

“Not good enough”
One of the most unhelpful messages in modern western culture is the notion that being tough on ourselves is a good thing. In fact, this constant negative self talk doesn’t make us more motivated; it makes us feel depressed and defeated – not exactly the ideal conditions to foster action and change.

Add to this impossibly high expectations pushed onto us by social media culture and a multi- billion-pound advertising industry, and we have a perfect storm for driving feelings of inadequacy. Being kind to ourselves has never been more crucial! Once we begin to accept and love ourselves as we truly are – fallible, imperfect human beings doing our best, but not always getting it right – a space opens up in which we can foster positive change.

Using the body to change negative self-talk
So how can we begin to bring the habit of self-criticism out of the unconscious shadows and into conscious awareness? Being in tune with our body is a great way to start to do this. Where do feelings of sadness, inadequacy and hopelessness show up for you? Maybe it’s a tight knot in the stomach, or a sinking feeling in the chest. Once we know our body is experiencing these feelings, we can enquire what the mind was up to just before the feeling turned up. Often, we might find it has been attacking us in some way. Our strong inner critic loves “all or nothing statements”, like “You never get anything right” or “everyone hates you”, but are they truly accurate? And, perhaps even more importantly, are they helpful?

The problem with the mind
The fact is that our minds serve up all kinds of distorted, exaggerated thoughts, based on flimsy or filtered information. These “negative automatic thoughts” disregard the big picture, and are usually seeking to prove some kind of negative belief about ourselves. Unfortunately - and particularly in western society - we’ve learnt to put far too much importance on what we think...: “I thought it, therefore it must be true”. Absolutely not!

The mind is a wonderful tool when we need to solve a problem or schedule work, but it has a tendency to take over. As Eastern philosophies such as mindfulness and meditation gain ground in the west, we’re starting to understand that paying too much attention to our thoughts and not enough to our bodies or holistic selves is an unhelpful trap. Mindfulness, connection to our bodies and remaining in the present moment are great ways to excuse ourselves from the masterclass in misery our minds can create. Now we can choose to challenge those unhelpful thoughts and replace them with something kinder, and more accurate. Or better still – just ignore them entirely!

A holistic approach
Challenging whatever the mind is broadcasting, and accepting ourselves as we truly are with all our flaws and quirks, are key ingredients of self-compassion. The more we look after our body and mind, the better equipped we will be to go on that journey. It’s easy to overlook other crucial areas of self-care: are you getting enough quality sleep, eating healthily, exercising regularly? Is excessive use of alcohol or drugs having a numbing effect and hindering self-compassion? Are you setting good boundaries that ensure your life is fed by people who support and encourage you?

A holistic approach that keeps all of these things in mind will give us the best chance of success at self-compassion. And when we fail, as we all surely will again, can we be kind to ourselves and remember it is a crucial part of the process of our self-development, not a confirmation that we’re not good enough?

If we can give ourselves a hug in those moments when we most need it, and love the parts of ourselves that are hardest to love, the empowerment that brings can be truly transformational.

Stuart Avery is a BACP-accredited integrative therapist, working both remotely and face-to-face in Manchester. Stuart has his own private practice, works for “We Are Survivors” as a trauma-informed therapist, and as an associate therapist for Result CIC.

Read more about Stuart here.

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